Yesterday,
My dad bought me earphones.
Earphones without wires.
They stay in my ears when I plug them in.
They have
Touch controls;
If I press firmly on them,
They connect automatically
To my laptop.
I am afraid
To use them
Because I do not know
How to use them yet.

Two years ago, on this day,
My friend lost her grandfather.
She tells me
That the smell of his hands
Is the inhaler
She still cannot breathe without.
She is afraid she will forget him,
Forget the crook of his nose
And the soft wrinkles on his face.

My sister
Lost her grandmother
A year ago,
And she still speaks about Aai
In present tense.
I am afraid to ask her
If grief
Has seized
The room that once had a 1900’s radio,
A broken pair of glasses held together with cello-tape
And a box of pills.

People do not understand me
When I say
My poetry stems from grief.
This, this is what I mean-

Just like my earphones,
I wished
My friend’s brother
In the hospital
Could exist without wires.

Yesterday,
I wished my hands had touch controls
So that I could grip the wrist
Of my best friend’s grandfather
And my sister’s grandmother
And my grandmother
And get the blood
To pulse through their veins again.

Today, I wondered
Whether or not I would use
The touch controls in my hands
If I had them.
I do not know
If I would be brave enough
To erase the monochrome tune
Of grief
That has now become
The soundtrack of our lives.

This, this is what I mean
When I say happy poems
Are easy on the heart.
Happy poems will give you
A smile,
A pat,
A clap
A squeeze of the hands.

My poetry,
Is not happy,
It is a broken teenager
Depending on crutches of vulnerability.
Maybe
My poetry
Will not give me a standing ovation today
But if the hair on the hands of my audience
Stands
And if my poetry
Seeps through the cracks in their heart
And builds a room for itself.
It is enough.

Just like my friend
I am afraid of forgetting and being forgotten
But if my words
Will be the only proof
Of my existence
Centuries down the line
Then I will wear
This body of survival
Like a martyr
Wears his badges;
Even in death,
With honour.
Even in death,
With pride.